Don't criticize, condemn or complain
This post is part of my weekly study of How To Win Friends and Influence People.
Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself. Criticism is dangerous because it wounds a person’s precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment.
Dale Carnegie
I’m amazed at how natural it is to criticize, condemn and complain. As we converse, it is expected that we spend most of our time complaining about our present circumstances and the incompetence of the people around us. It seems as if most of our social interactions consist of this ridiculous ritual that accomplishes nothing. We don’t leave these conversations feeling better about ourselves, nor do they do anything to improve the situation.
In practicing this advice this week, the biggest difference I’ve noticed is not the impact it’s had on those around me, but how it’s changed my own attitude. Where I would normally assume that someone’s mistakes were the results of mal-intent or incompetence, I tend to give them the benefit of the doubt. I don’t think that just because I’m doing this “no criticizing” thing; I genuinely believe that the people I interact with are doing their best.
Don’t criticize them; they are just what we would be under similar circumstances.
Abraham Lincoln
This quote has been running through my mind over and over this week. I think it’s easy for us to identify the way that other people have failed, but if you were asked to do their job, you would fail in as many ways or more.
Try not criticizing or complaining this week, I think you’ll be surprised at the impact.
8 Comments
Curious how this plays out in open source software. Not that you’re the criticizing maintainer to begin with, but I imagine there’s a lot of teaching opportunities that could come out of this.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Brandon: this first post of yours is enough for me to find and read this book (its smarmy sounding title had put me off it much like you). Cheers!
Brian: PDI :)
Tim: that’s great! I hope you enjoy it.
Warren Buffett frequently repeats the quote from Dale Carnegie; his course certificate from having attended a Carnegie course is on the wall of his office at Berkshire Hathaway. The next step I found useful, after accepting the maxim of not complaining and condeming was to be awake to others just starting off on this conversational road … try to divert them! That helped me and we all appear to have happier outcomes.
Brandon, thank you for posting this. I took the Dale Carnegie course so many years ago that I’ve probably forgotten most of it. When i saw your post, I remembered the mnemonic “CCC”. Thanks for the reminder. Looks like it’s time to re-read the How To Win Friends… book.
One question I have is that if you don’t provide criticism, how to iterate on problems? I understand there are probably a million books on the subject of being a “winner” and “leader” that would have strategies, but I’m curious if you recognized anything specific as this idea was something you did consciously.
If you are into philosophy and theology, one of the bases on why we complain is because there is an “us” (that we know what we are doing so we must be right, and by know what we are doing I mean we are aware of what we are doing, not is we actually have or not expertise on the subject), and “them”, the people that it is not doing what we know it should be done, or getting the results that we expect.
The phrase that you mention points to the fact that “them” is to a degree “us”.
The book “The Naked Now” explains a lot more about dual vs. non-dual Ideas.
I suppose there’s a subtle difference between critique and criticism. The former is necessary for growth, the latter indicates its absence.